I gave my mom a bit of a heart attack this morning. Not on purpose and it wasn't my fault. Obviously. But, what happened was I woke up at 430am (so really jetlag is to blame here). I got bored, and, once the sun finally started making an appearance, I snuck out the back door on a walk with my dog. It was amazing in case you are wondering. Germany is beautiful. Every inch of it. I think it's great that I'm able to walk out the door and instantly be surrounded by such beauty.
Anyway, I didn't come home until 730ish. My dad let me in the front door since he saw me through the kitchen window. Everything was normal. Then my mom comes running down the stairs. She comes through the kitchen door in something. I say "something" cause I thought she was wearing a swimsuit bottom with a tank top and my dad thought she was wearing work out clothes. Just know that it was interesting. She yells, "Where's Emily?!" I looked at her and said, "I'm here. What are you wearing?" "I have been trying on bathing suits in my room because I thought you locked yourself in the bathroom for all this time. I was getting worried." I just want to point out that I had been on a walk for an hour or so. An hour had passed before she decided to check on me. An hour. Anyway, after it was established that I was safe and not in the bathroom, my mom went and put on real clothes so our day could begin.
Like I said earlier, our walk was amazing. So relaxing and quiet...apart from the peacocks screaming but even that sound gives me warm fuzzies. It was just great. Rocky, the dog, even found a pear on the ground. He brought it all the way home thinking it was a ball. It's still here being dropped at our feet for us to kick to him. He's a cutie.
Last summer, my dad, who knows my love for New York, sent me a song called "A Heart in New York" by Art Garfunkel. I immediately fell in love with this song. It's even playing on repeat as I type in honor of this post.
My favorite part of the song is when it mentions Central Park. Central Park is quite possibly my favorite place in the world. I can't describe the love I have for that place. There's something about sitting on a grassy field with people talking and laughing doing their own thing while being surrounded by skyscrapers all around. It's a place you can escape from the hustle and bustle of the city and just be. It's peaceful. I'm not talking peaceful as in quiet but peaceful as in comforting.
Central Park is somewhere everyone can belong. There's baseball games, frisbee and soccer. There's people out for picnics and friends hanging out on the grass. You see the moms out with their kids in strollers enjoying afternoon walks. You have the joggers and bikers who pass on by the tourists while listening to their music. There's couples enjoying romantic boat rides on the lake and children playing at the water's edge. There's the playground and the zoo. Everything! Even the bum from the subway and the beggar from 42nd Street find a place in Central Park. Nobody is out of place in Central Park. Everyone belongs.
I don't know why I feel so out of place in this world. I don't say this in pitiful or whiney way. I say it as a fact. A truth. I think a lot of kids that grew up with parents in the military can relate. There's not a set place called "home" and, if there is, it's not the same kind of home that everyone else pictures.
Home is the place you can always go back to. It's the place where everyone knows you and you feel welcome. It's the place where your family is. It's where you gather for holidays, birthdays and unbirthdays, too. It's the place that remains constant in your life. You feel at home there. For me, that place is New York...or at least I think it is.
I constantly feel torn between calling Germany my home and calling New York my home. New York is where I had my first steps, my first birthdays, and my first school days. It's the place I learned to be a person. Germany is where I became that person. New York has my childhood but Germany shaped me. New York has my whole family but Germany has my parents. New York has the places I feel comfortable but Germany has the places where I learned life's hardest lessons. I'm thoroughly grateful for the opportunity I have had to live in Germany but I'm not sure I'd call it home even though I've lived a majority of my life there.
I'm always talking about how much I love Germany but I think I say that automatically because I feel like I have to love Germany. It's been "home" for so long. I do love it but I don't think I love it as a home. When I see pictures of New York, I get a gut wrenching feeling of homesickness. I don't get that same feeling when I see pictures of Germany.
I guess I kind of wish that I could have both. Or maybe my home will be where I finally settle down and raise my own kids with my prince charming in our humble abode. Wherever and whenever that may be. Until then, I'll bounce around from home to home visiting those I love and the places I know best.
Now that I've explained my love affair with New York and Germany, listen to this song. It's pretty great.
Happy news! I'm getting out of Idaho a few days earlier than I had planned! 18 days until I begin my journey across the big pond. I couldn't be more excited. Idaho has it's perks, yes, but it doesn't even compare to Europe : )
Yup, it is. I usually don't care much about these types of things, you know, considering I'm not Canadian but I have a Canadian roommate who won't let us forget what day it is. I guess I'll be supportive of it. Canada is probably a nice place. I hope to see it one day during my worldly travels.
It's kind of a lazy day. You can tell by the fact that I'm wearing old jeans and a t-shirt that I usually just sleep in (don't worry, it's clean). My hair is pulled back, which doesn't happen often. I used to tell people that having my hair pulled back was a sign of a rough day. Today isn't a rough day though. It's just a day that I'm not caring much about. It's super hot outside and the heat is draining all energy from my body. Literally. I'm wearing a perfume that reminds me of an old friend. Is that weird? We fell in love with the scent of this perfume and we both bought it. It reminds me of easier days. Days were I felt grown up but really wasn't. You know...those days where you acted like you were an adult but really you relied on your parents and friends more than ever. I miss those days. The days where I felt independent but was actually very much dependent. I like how parents play along in that stage of life though. They let you think you're making your own choices but they were always there to catch you when you fell. They really called all the shots. I miss the safety net.
I don't like being in charge of my life. I don't like having to make hard decisions and being accountable for the outcomes. There's no safety net here.
